Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Big Sexy Bitches



Hey girl. You know I'm looking at you. Aw yeah. Not because you're attractive mind, but because you take up the entire occupiable viewing space in that direction. Is that a new... shirt? I guess it's a shirt. They didn't make that outfit any bigger? Are you certain? I bet you could have found pants that at least covered your... something. Covered your anything really, anything would have been okay. Not the 'absolutely nothing' that the outfit is covering now. Wow a thong too? Aren't you worried it's going to be devoured by the outlying regions of your... outlying regions?




So these ladies-

Are Big. Sexy. Bitches. They work what they have, and they have lots, like they're a catwalk strutting sex machine. You can chart their passing by the series of "What the fuck?" expressions on the faces of people they walk past. They wear outfits that normal people with any sense of shame would pass up just on principle. See through spandex pants and a halter top that was part of a pajama set for someone under the age of 12? You bet these ladies are rocking THAT outfit.


I'm searching for answers here. Why does a woman go out dressed like this? I've put forth a few ideas.



  • They ACTUALLY think they look good. Perhaps they have reverse anorexia. (Looking in a mirror and seeing a thin person)

  • Someone TOLD them they look good. Maybe a boyfriend who likes 'em hella chunky and is in heaven, or a spiteful skinny friend who only hangs out with huge ladies to make themselves look better.

  • Literally everything else they own was in the wash. Literally. Bedsheets, draperies and all. And they had no choice but to throw on someone else's clothes to go out at 2am for toilet paper and chips.

  • They have no clue what they look like to other people, and don't have the "Oh Honey No." friend. (The "Oh Honey No" friend is that person who will honestly, no hesitation, tell you when you look like a fool. Usually a best girlfriend, or a gay male friend, these people are a valuable asset.)

And you have to wonder... if the outfit they chose to wear out in public, in front of other human beings is so mind bogglingly awful... what do THEY set aside as being too much?

She's gotta save it to wear to church.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Bootie Shorts Grandpa.

He wears bootie shorts.

He wears bootie shorts, and looks like a zombie.

He wears bootie shorts, looks like a zombie, and is in the store EVERY DAY.


In the same outfit. This outfit.

I would love to be joking, or even exaggerating about this.

Really.