Saturday, July 4, 2009

College Kids



Finally out of their parents house and given personal freedom, these kids don't have a damn clue what's going on or how to behave in public. From riding around in shopping carts to taking all of the play balls out of the bin in the Toy Department, having College Kids in the store at 3am is like setting loose a bunch of really tall 5 year olds in a candy store.




Here's several variations you may encounter-




The Bubble Gum Bimbo




She's Daddy's Little Princess, has never worked for anything in her life, and is dumb as a bag of hammers. Still living off the mentality of being a popular cheerleader in high school, these girls usually dress in as little as possible to get attention from guys. And then they complain, "Guys only like me for my body, I can't believe how superficial people are! Ooh look! Cute shoes!"


For the purpose of this post I have to borrow a coworker's encounter story to illustrate how doomed the future is-


BGB- "S'cuse me, miss? Yah, do you guys have torps?"

CW, frowning - "A torp?"

BGB- "Yah, it's like, one of those things, you know? That you make signs and things on? Like, banners?"

CW- "Um..."

BGB- "God! It's like, you can cover stuff with it too? You know? Like one of those-" BGB's phone rings. "Hi Daddy! What's that thing again? How do you spell it? I told the lady! I don't think they have them here? Sporting goods? Okay! Lady it's spelled T-A-R-P! Torp!"

CW- "If that's you're dad on the phone tell him to stop sending money to the college cause it's not working."



Rowdy Frat Guys


These guys may or may not be drunk, hard to tell since they act like assholes regardless.

These are the guys having a random football game down the main aisles, dodging and weaving around displays and ultimately crashing headlong into something.
"Dude go long!"
"I got it brah!"
*crashing sounds, glass shattering, the one plate or round thing rolling a bit and then going 'roing roing roing' as it settles*
"shit dude go go go..."
I hate college kids.
Here are some things I want to say to them, but I know I'll lose my job.
To the BGB's.
"Oh, so you're majoring in Texting AND Fellatio? You must be busy."
"Miss, hey, you forgot to put on pants before you left the house. In fact it looks like you put on your boyfriends underwear AS pants by mistake."
"Of course you can drink bleach to whiten your teeth, the toothpaste companies just don't want you to know that so you spend more money on their products."
"Well, I sure hope you find a rich husband. Cause wooooowww....." *shake head, walk away*
To the Rowdy Frat Guys.
*clapping hands* "Oi! You kids better settle down or I'm going to call your mom!"
"WHAT THE FUCK HELL ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU HAVE SCHOOL IN THE MORNING?! DON'T YOU HAVE A HOME?!"
"Oh sorry man, I didn't see you running full tilt which is why I pushed that cart right there. In front of you. While you were running. Hope that heals."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I WAS FLASHED BY A FWAF!!

I was minding my own business and walking around in my 2 aisle department when it happened.

A FWAF parade came through. One on a motorized shopping cart (moto-fwaf), a fwaf in a tank top and bootie spandex shorts, and a really skinny person thrown in at the end for no reason. I guess the fwaf's ate all the food and the last person couldn't get any. Anyway-

The middle fwaf was pulling her tank top up and down to fan her fat rolls and pulled it up enough so that her boob flopped out. Of course she wasn't wearing a bra, so it slapped down on her overhanging belly roll like a Christmas ham with a nipple.

Luckily when situations occur that I have no frame of reference for (what IS the proper etiquette response to, "Ma'am your boob just fell out.") I completely blank out and have no facial expression so I don't think she saw that I saw.

And then I poured bleach in my eyes.