Things That Only Exist If You Are Dumb.

People seem to think that if they just string together random words, whatever they are looking for is going to suddenly spring into existence as if by some sort of magical retard magic. Which is of course, as magical as it is retarded.

"Listen to me Dip-SHIT," (is what I say in my head to them) "There are no motherfucking PAPER SPOONS, and you cannot make CLEAR tinfoil, it's fucking ALUMINUM, which is not CLEAR." And then in my head I smash their stupid smarmy faces in, before beating them to death with a box full of whatever it is they actually wanted but were too stupid to know what the fuck it was called.

I'm going to start telling people, "Oh yeah, that's in aisle seven. The aisle of shit that doesn't exist."

Redneck Geisha

I will not hear a negative comment about my new favorite person, the Redneck Geisha. Proudly colorblind to her own skin tone as far as face powder goes, she makes up for the acquired pallor with eyeshadow and lipstick. Choosing to display her colors, much like a male peacock, and using the peacock's colors as a base, she delicately enhances her tiny, piggy eyes, so that by staring her in the eyes, it's much like the experience of looking straight at the assholes of two peacocks, standing side by side.

DO NOT DENY HER BEAUTY! She is only dressed like a lumberjack so that you aren't distracted by her body, which is only equal in beauty to her face. And the asshole of a peacock. A beautiful, beautiful peacock.

A horror story for Halloween.

This is a story told to me by one of the Customer Service Managers. He is a braver soul than I will ever be.

So a woman and her boyfriend come in, she's appropriately terrifying looking as per most of the customer base of the store. (Meaning she's a FWAF and inbred looking) She has an item she'd like to return, no problem, this is a normal occurrence. This item though, is a box Summer's Eve. If you are not aware of this, Summer's Eve is a brand of douche. This woman is returning douche. She used this douche, and wanted to return it because it didn't taste like vinegar, and the box specifically said it contained vinegar, so it was false advertising and she wanted her money back. She then gestured to her boyfriend, and informed everyone that he couldn't taste the vinegar either. As if she needed backup because maybe someone wouldn't believe she had vinegar tasting capabilities of her own, or perhaps was lying in order to get a refund.

Now I'll let that story settle in for a moment.

THAT LADY WAS TASTING HER DOUCHE. SHE MADE HER BOYFRIEND ALSO TASTE THE DOUCHE. WHAT THE FUCK-HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

The Big Sexy Bitches

Hey girl. You know I'm looking at you. Aw yeah. Not because you're attractive mind, but because you take up the entire occupiable viewing space in that direction. Is that a new... shirt? I guess it's a shirt. They didn't make that outfit any bigger? Are you certain? I bet you could have found pants that at least covered your... something. Covered your anything really, anything would have been okay. Not the 'absolutely nothing' that the outfit is covering now. Wow a thong too? Aren't you worried it's going to be devoured by the outlying regions of your... outlying regions?

So these ladies-

Are Big. Sexy. Bitches. They work what they have, and they have lots, like they're a catwalk strutting sex machine. You can chart their passing by the series of "What the fuck?" expressions on the faces of people they walk past. They wear outfits that normal people with any sense of shame would pass up just on principle. See through spandex pants and a halter top that was part of a pajama set for someone under the age of 12? You bet these ladies are rocking THAT outfit.

I'm searching for answers here. Why does a woman go out dressed like this? I've put forth a few ideas.

• They ACTUALLY think they look good. Perhaps they have reverse anorexia. (Looking in a mirror and seeing a thin person)


• Someone TOLD them they look good. Maybe a boyfriend who likes 'em hella chunky and is in heaven, or a spiteful skinny friend who only hangs out with huge ladies to make themselves look better.


• Literally everything else they own was in the wash. Literally. Bedsheets, draperies and all. And they had no choice but to throw on someone else's clothes to go out at 2am for toilet paper and chips.


• They have no clue what they look like to other people, and don't have the "Oh Honey No." friend. (The "Oh Honey No" friend is that person who will honestly, no hesitation, tell you when you look like a fool. Usually a best girlfriend, or a gay male friend, these people are a valuable asset.)

And you have to wonder... if the outfit they chose to wear out in public, in front of other human beings is so mind bogglingly awful... what do THEY set aside as being too much?

She's gotta save it to wear to church.

Bootie Shorts Grandpa.

He wears bootie shorts.

He wears bootie shorts, and looks like a zombie.

He wears bootie shorts, looks like a zombie, and is in the store EVERY DAY.

In the same outfit. This outfit.

I would love to be joking, or even exaggerating about this.

Really.

College Kids

Finally out of their parents house and given personal freedom, these kids don't have a damn clue what's going on or how to behave in public. From riding around in shopping carts to taking all of the play balls out of the bin in the Toy Department, having College Kids in the store at 3am is like setting loose a bunch of really tall 5 year olds in a candy store.

Here's several variations you may encounter-

The Bubble Gum Bimbo

She's Daddy's Little Princess, has never worked for anything in her life, and is dumb as a bag of hammers. Still living off the mentality of being a popular cheerleader in high school, these girls usually dress in as little as possible to get attention from guys. And then they complain, "Guys only like me for my body, I can't believe how superficial people are! Ooh look! Cute shoes!"

For the purpose of this post I have to borrow a coworker's encounter story to illustrate how doomed the future is-

BGB- "S'cuse me, miss? Yah, do you guys have torps?"

CW, frowning - "A torp?"

BGB- "Yah, it's like, one of those things, you know? That you make signs and things on? Like, banners?"

CW- "Um..."

BGB- "God! It's like, you can cover stuff with it too? You know? Like one of those-" BGB's phone rings. "Hi Daddy! What's that thing again? How do you spell it? I told the lady! I don't think they have them here? Sporting goods? Okay! Lady it's spelled T-A-R-P! Torp!"

CW- "If that's you're dad on the phone tell him to stop sending money to the college cause it's not working."

Rowdy Frat Guys

These guys may or may not be drunk, hard to tell since they act like assholes regardless.

These are the guys having a random football game down the main aisles, dodging and weaving around displays and ultimately crashing headlong into something.

"Dude go long!"

"I got it brah!"

*crashing sounds, glass shattering, the one plate or round thing rolling a bit and then going 'roing roing roing' as it settles*

"shit dude go go go..."

I hate college kids.

Here are some things I want to say to them, but I know I'll lose my job.

To the BGB's.

"Oh, so you're majoring in Texting AND Fellatio? You must be busy."

"Miss, hey, you forgot to put on pants before you left the house. In fact it looks like you put on your boyfriends underwear AS pants by mistake."

"Of course you can drink bleach to whiten your teeth, the toothpaste companies just don't want you to know that so you spend more money on their products."

"Well, I sure hope you find a rich husband. Cause wooooowww....." *shake head, walk away*

To the Rowdy Frat Guys.

*clapping hands* "Oi! You kids better settle down or I'm going to call your mom!"

"WHAT THE FUCK HELL ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU HAVE SCHOOL IN THE MORNING?! DON'T YOU HAVE A HOME?!"

"Oh sorry man, I didn't see you running full tilt which is why I pushed that cart right there. In front of you. While you were running. Hope that heals."

I WAS FLASHED BY A FWAF!!

I was minding my own business and walking around in my 2 aisle department when it happened.

A FWAF parade came through. One on a motorized shopping cart (moto-fwaf), a fwaf in a tank top and bootie spandex shorts, and a really skinny person thrown in at the end for no reason. I guess the fwaf's ate all the food and the last person couldn't get any. Anyway-

The middle fwaf was pulling her tank top up and down to fan her fat rolls and pulled it up enough so that her boob flopped out. Of course she wasn't wearing a bra, so it slapped down on her overhanging belly roll like a Christmas ham with a nipple.

Luckily when situations occur that I have no frame of reference for (what IS the proper etiquette response to, "Ma'am your boob just fell out.") I completely blank out and have no facial expression so I don't think she saw that I saw.

And then I poured bleach in my eyes.