Things That Only Exist If You Are Dumb.

People seem to think that if they just string together random words, whatever they are looking for is going to suddenly spring into existence as if by some sort of magical retard magic. Which is of course, as magical as it is retarded.

"Listen to me Dip-SHIT," (is what I say in my head to them) "There are no motherfucking PAPER SPOONS, and you cannot make CLEAR tinfoil, it's fucking ALUMINUM, which is not CLEAR." And then in my head I smash their stupid smarmy faces in, before beating them to death with a box full of whatever it is they actually wanted but were too stupid to know what the fuck it was called.

I'm going to start telling people, "Oh yeah, that's in aisle seven. The aisle of shit that doesn't exist."

Redneck Geisha

I will not hear a negative comment about my new favorite person, the Redneck Geisha. Proudly colorblind to her own skin tone as far as face powder goes, she makes up for the acquired pallor with eyeshadow and lipstick. Choosing to display her colors, much like a male peacock, and using the peacock's colors as a base, she delicately enhances her tiny, piggy eyes, so that by staring her in the eyes, it's much like the experience of looking straight at the assholes of two peacocks, standing side by side.

DO NOT DENY HER BEAUTY! She is only dressed like a lumberjack so that you aren't distracted by her body, which is only equal in beauty to her face. And the asshole of a peacock. A beautiful, beautiful peacock.